Forgiveness while falling, and to hell with luck on the way back up.

Maybe people are wondering what's up, maybe they're focusing on their own hectic exits off of, and exciting re-entrances onto the unpredictable freeway of consciousness.  But for my own sake here, I'm trying to document a very personal shift.  When stressing events occur like Satan's roller coaster, and you are buckled in every day, eventually you do learn how to drink your coffee on the free-fall.  Because after the course is defined and the surprises are over, it's just a ride.  And eventually you find time to do the things you want to do despite the ups and downs of a chaotic environment...if you have the ambition to do so.

So the anxiety I had went away during one of the most hurtful times in my life.  That's luck.  Maybe.  But I think what happened was a relaxing of my compromises in a relationship neither of us were happy in anymore.  We lost our passion.  We both still love each other, and the times we had raising Jade were filled with pride in each other, love for a growing daughter and heaps of laughter.  When Tana and I split, we found it funny how we still were hanging out so much.  We like each other.  We're really good friends.  I've had enough time to off load the hate, come down off hope, and now reap the benefit of forgiveness.  We've talked a lot.

There have been many actions Tana and her boyfriend have made that have disappointed me.  Feelings of betrayal were for sure wrapped up in that, however Jade's well being and this man's inevitable influence on her scared me shitless.  Tana has always in my eyes been not only a good mom, but a fun one, an ambitious one, and a mother that will show Jade there's life outside the box.  And like I said, this truth and my sincere belief in that is why she and I are still cool.  And thank god.  Our family counselor said Tana and I should do classes for families going through separation.  So I guess we're doing well.  Again, Jade is our main focus.  Perfect.

I'll be honest.  I got lonely and I did feel like trying to move on in the early spring.  So I went online to see who was out there.  I'm a busy guy and I sure as hell don't want to purposefully go to a bar to meet someone.  And it seemed like a good idea to not only get a bio of who I was looking at written by that person (writing shows so much character eh?), but also set some "filters" up to target in on someone that would be a good match intellectually and physically.  I went on some dates.  It was weird.  Some were good, some went awry.  What's that?  OK.  I'll tell the sweat-sock story.

I had a date with this girl a couple months back.  And we were supposed to meet after work.    I was running late for work and threw on a button up shirt followed by a fast, cool morning walk to BART.  All is good.  For some wonderful reason the weather turned hot as hell that day and the downtown Oakland air stayed relentlessly muggy even after 6 o'clock.  Nifty.  The office was hot that day and the shirt I put on was unfortunately a bit polyester.  Go figure.  My armpits were off the hook by about 3.  I had deodorant on but the sweat was interminable.  I ran over to the gym, took a shower, walked back, pits were still jumping wet.  What the hell?  And at this point of course the stress of going on a date with crazy wet pits was causing more sweat.  So I took two "clean" socks from under my desk and laid each one in each armpit like a strip of dry bacon.  Kept those things there for the rest of the day working with my elbows up, desk fan on high.  After work I walked for about half a mile and then close to the destination where I was supposed to meet her.  I then pulled the socks out like unhappy banana peels off the concrete.  We met outside by the lake, it was fine, walked around for awhile and arrived at some restaurant.  Sat outside, and the sun was of course beaming directly on to my head between two tall buildings.  And the amount of sweat that came out when I sat down was incomparable to the amount that came out after I realized it.  Neato.  Date went fine, she never called me.

And now I'm going to skip to it.  I met someone.  And I really can't describe it.  I'll give you this much.  She's about my age, amazing mother of a smart adorable 3 year old (zero parental help), artist, photographer, self employed screen printer, amazing organic cook and gardener, planet friendly, and just beautiful inside and out.  Know I'm happy.  And really really silly happy to have such an amazing person adore me as well.  Haven't felt that in so long.  I'd love to share more, but I don't want to give too much detail about her out of respect.  I mean I really doubt she'd mind, but I check my mirrors three times before I pull a legal U turn when there's people in the car with me.

The best thing is, I don't feel guilty about anything.  The large exceptions I made for Tana's happiness in her situation, my insults and badgering aside, paved a nice road for the entry of a new relationship in my life.  Ideally, we want each other to be happy.  And if something was wrong morally with a decision I was making, my emotions would surely wreck me.  Lately, I've been strong and relieved and smiling constantly.  I thought I was broken for so many years.  Now I laugh at myself sometimes and say, damn this train is crazy and how did I get so lucky to sit next to this wonderful girl?  But as time goes by, I realize it's not luck.  Or maybe the obvious amount but no credit to it you know?  I'm working for this new relationship yet it's so natural and completely reciprocated by her.  I'm constantly surprised and yet calmed by her.  Her daughter on my shoulders, holding hands to the park, walking our dogs... stroller in tow,  it's all surreal but I'm loving it.  I know who I am.  I'm the nice guy that finally didn't finish last. Or maybe finishing last isn't so bad if you've met so many great people along the way.