A big part of intelligence, in my opinion, is the ability to absorb useful elements around you and the intuition to notice what could be useful, for not all that exists beneficially, presents itself in such a manner to be noticed.
Right now. Experience. Open your eyes wider and seek the truly unique positives. Then better or worse continue gravitating towards them. Because it's all compromises. Life is hell. Life is heaven. It's positive or negative and yet exactly how you see it. My good friend said to me that he notices people all the time who are chronically naive (stupid) and thinks to himself, man, they don't know how good they got it. The more you know, the harder life becomes...but there's always a route that's a bit more fun. A way to rebel. Rules to know that need to be broken in order for society to move.
In all my creative branches, there's this rule that I live by. "Make it interesting you idiot. It's ART! It's made to be fucking looked at (or listened to, or read)! Don't go the distance if the end result is dull." That's my rule word for word. And I fuck it up all the time. I'm learning though you know. It doesn't matter if you suck. It's the subject matter. It's presence. The art wasn't there before. Why is it here now? YOU control that. If you can only draw stick figures then draw a shit load of stick figures in all different colors doing all kinds of risky activities and keep going until you have something cool. Don't stop at interesting. Paint stick figures, sculpt them. Stray, refine. Follow the rules, break them and then gently stir. You learn shit by making choices, whether they be successes or mistakes, living with them and absorbing the effects in a manner that benefits you. We're all human though. We know we're going to die. If you're reading this, you have a life. The only one you know is real. So put a smile on and get out there. I'm telling myself to go fuck myself.
It's hard to say "be positive" when chemically, you cant. Depression. I don't have it, but I've definitely experienced it on some of the meds I've been on over the last couple years. I know what being depressed feels like. That aint shit. You can still semi-function. Depression is crippling. It seems there's no door to the doom room when you're in it. I really feel for people who have to live with this day in day out. It's like everybody else in the world is on another team. The "grass is greener" team.
I'm going through some trying times in my life right now, not mentally really, but because I'm concentrating on improving myself and loving who I am I'm able to push through. For me, and most importantly for my daughter. There's the bigger picture too. Things could always be way way worse. I'm learning from this time in my life because I'm a fixer and because I have a little girl who needs me to be a rock and the textbook example of what I think a father should be.
We all have to be a bit "selfish" to be ideal people and parents and friends. But sometimes people over estimate what they are capable of. They start relationships all full of spirit and vigor and get married and have kids and they keep pushing toward this ideal and this American standard of living even if it feels wrong. And they lose themselves...or they sacrifice who they are to be in this relationship and then, snap. The thrill is gone until someone else shows up with that spark in their eye and a whole different perspective. It's enticing, and it's human and unfortunately it's real when somebody different with less responsibility shows how fun life can be again to someone who has been locked down in the mundane.
And that's why I say everybody should break the rules and be who they are, pursue life. Don't sacrifice yourself too much. But going back on huge promises, not being true to yourself and the ones who love you most, over time will eventually break you if you don't change your pattern. And for Pete's sake can we learn to accept change in people? They change. It's one of those things you have to trust with inevitable heartbreak time after time unless you want to be a bitter hermit. Because when one person goes the distance for you or someone you love, drop the bullshit...that's a beautiful thing and it's rare as fuck.
And now I must retire, for tomorrow is an early morning. The adventure begins again!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
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