Thursday, March 11, 2010

Finding the light switch in the infinite maze

Years ago on our anniversary, after consuming a boat load of sushi, Tana and I perused a small antique shop in Alameda.  Inside the glass case were these delicate hand crafted plaster male and female devils.  We liked the symbolism of them and bought them, relating the drummer to me and guitarist to her.  For some reason they were hanging just above the kitchen light switch.  About the same time Tana started her affair, coincidentally I knocked these keepsakes off the wall and they broke apart.  Ironic to say the least.
Funny thing living here in the house.  The drama, the females.  Sounds bad, but I'm totally not sexist.  If you know me, you know that.  It's like one of those parties that takes place in your house but you feel like an outcast. But this predicament I'm in, I didn't ask for it and I need it to cool off quick before I'm no longer sensitive to the heat.  I usually try and avoid drama.  I don't run away from confrontation but of all the things I can create, pointless static isn't on the list.

    To offset the rent for Tana's apartment, we have a student living at our place.  She helps the house not feel so cold and abandoned when I'm there without Jade.  She's a sweet girl, going to school in Emeryville to be an audio engineer.  No sexual attraction here, so don't start your gossip wheels spinning you drama diggers.  And if there was an "attraction" to anybody for that matter I'd have squashed it because now is no time to adopt another person's life baggage and stir it into the bitter stew we got sitting on simmer at this moment.  But everyone knows that you don't have to be attracted to someone to inherit their drama.  There's no beating positive outlooks in horrible situations you can't see your way out of.  The alternative, the water slide of negativity, is reliable and well used but always drops off into a pile of shit if you don't jump off.  I can't say living with this person has been bliss, but at the same time I think it's helping by shaking the change out of my pockets just enough to realize there's a life to live here...right now.  And quite frankly the four of us are getting along quite well in this new "progressive" environment.  It's less stale.  More social for everybody even Jade. And there's no real negative impact on Jade.  Anybody who's been around her in the last few months can attest she's a happy little girl and everybody wants to keep it that way.

    I've been recording, editing into oblivion, and driving myself batshit in the studio pushing through 20+ songs in the last two years trying to finish an album of music from my now "former" band.  And this young woman moves into the spare room and oh hey, she's a sound engineer!  So she's agreed to help out with the final production of the album which helps me out quite a lot.  Through her school, she's connected to a flock of ambitious warmhearted musicians and audio technicians.  And as more people come into the mix, there are good times, but damn if drama keeps peeping it's fucking head in through the window.
    There's a certain amount of trust I give to people that I love.  Not "sex" love or "relationship" love.  Just love for the beauty of an individual and what their positive mark on humanity is however slight and possibly even destructive.  And I see that from the inside out now.

   Some things need to be destroyed.  Quite honestly, I'm destroying shit left and right.  Walls mostly.  Fear.  There was a time when Tana moved out and I said to myself "I can't watch The Soup without Tana.  Who am I going to share these TV and movie moments with?"  My unconscious detour away from the glowing box and back towards music and art is catching me by surprise but it seems healthy and natural.   I'm able to embrace responsibilities and juggle "down time" to a T for the first time in my life.  It's like, and I've talked to Tana about this…this experience in so many ways has helped me knock down fat invisible dams that have fucked up my potential and natural flow over time.

    Our housemate is at the house enough to now be well familiarized with Tana, Jade and my social network.  So there's the mingling of acquaintances and even the clashing of personalities. 

    Recently the housemate has started a relationship with a guy from her school who's in another relationship.  Cheating is in style I suppose?  He's younger than her, I've played music with him and more importantly have noticed how fucking nice he is.  He's positive, ambitious, a sweetheart and really crudely immature.  But he's 21 for fuck's sake.  So he's living with his girlfriend and then heading over to my house to spend time with our housemate.  And so why is this behavior again coming into my life so directly?  Maybe because I needed to see it from a different angle.  There's of course no major comparison between him and Tana, but in a small room in the corner of the cubicle these two share a similar moral dilemma, yet maybe feel a "primal right" that draws a direct correlation in judgment I don't agree with.  So of course this is a touchy nerve for me because my housemate is basically facilitating the same behavior as the guy Tana is or was with (wherever that's at right now).  And there's an unexpected compassion for that mentality from a perspective of seeing our housemate with this guy, and me witnessing her genuine interest for a new and real human connection.

   I'm in a place where my marriage is leaving limbo for the way of the wind.  And everything human about me wants to fix that.  Even rebound thoughts...moving on as quick as possible.  There's something very unsettling about the energy that exists after the breakup of a comfortable companionship.  And I look around at work and the very minimal places I choose to exist outside of the house for females I think may be the next "one".  But it's just a game.  First off, I have and have never had any game.  Two?  As I wrote earlier, it's just wrong to bring another person into this situation.  Everything logical points me in the direction of celibacy for this chapter.  On one end, I feel like maybe I should join the revolution of impulse and the pursuit of "free" love.  But as Brian Wilson wrote, "that's not me".  And with time I've learned that I don't need to feel like a pussy for not being a dog.  So I channel it into the the unfulfilled "procrastinatious" categories of creativity and projects unfinished.  It works, thank fucking god.  I just have to flip that switch.  That's exactly what it is. You can look at the switch and pace around it, roll your eyes, swear at it or you can walk right up to it and flip that bitch on and get on with yourself while your eyes adjust to the the blinding light which is so necessary to see clearly what's in front of you.
    Again there's Jade.  Always and foremost Jade.  Tana and I have hit ground, bounced and ended up on our asses still holding Jade up in the air virtually unscathed and possibly better off in the midst of her ever changing needs and blossoming individuality.  It's a tricky teeter totter of what's best for her given this situation.  This is what it is, and it's comforting that despite my callous building over anger and disgust, Tana and I still have each other through it.  It's like at times we're forced to fight each other, but we're being respectful of where we're punching.

    Big thing is no matter what, we continue to make sure Jade, within this drama, is supported, loved and knows that we both love her and who her family will always be.

  One of Tana's boyfriend's friends called the house asking for him a couple weeks ago.  In anger, I turned to facebook and found the guy on her boyfriend's friend list.  She said she didn't know who he was, but somehow it got back to "boy wonder" that I was digging into his personal online rolodex.  Whatever, fuck it.  I wasn't obsessing, just wanted to back up my stance on respect.  So the next day her boyfriend sent me a "friend request" out of spite and immaturity.  Using the request to my advantage, I sent him a message saying basically two things.  We both love Tana in some way so lets keep an eye on her well being and try to calm down the emotional tug of war.  Second and foremost, I don't want anybody moving into a fathering role with my daughter.  Especially some guy that thinks splitting a family up is a good idea.  To sum up his response, he agreed and surprisingly we shared a strange vein of sympathy for each other, despite the sex and betrayal and absence of morality which seems to prevail.  And my housemate is in this situation where she's got this guy in her corner, but he's too scared to break off his commitment to this other person he shares a life with.  Or he just doesn't want to break it and this having and eating of cake seems justified.  And given anybody's individual perspective and timeline of unfortunate events, most "wrong" actions are justified somehow.

    I didn't ask for any of this.  I really don't want it and frankly it disgusts me.  The whole scene.  But in this infinite maze, I can sit, sulk, and curse the complexity, or I can walk and hit the walls and face the mistakes.  I'm walking.