"The Test"

Since the death of my beloved grandmother last year, my family (immediate family excluded) has been falling slowly downhill into a scary hole. My grandmother was a staple of class and good taste within our core family group. These days, since her passing, there's this growing void of excitement and overall lack of warmth at family gatherings. We're moving away from one another. And when we do meet it's not in a place we're familiar with anymore.

Through the years we've seen people, boyfriends and girlfriends mostly, weave in and out of our family events. I gladly embrace all types of people despite their perceived intelligence as long as they genuinely listen and try to take part in quality conversation. I'm no genius, but I listen and observe. Who you are and who you bring to the family table is of the utmost importance to me and my wife. And who our daughter engages with at family functions is crucial to stay on top of. It shouldn't be that way. Recently, some "relatives" we didn't know even existed came peeking out of the woods and are now attaching themselves to us, pulling us into their dirty soap opera and tainting our already crippled family energy. And these people who are complete strangers are now potentially swapping seats with cherished loved ones who have moved on in one way or another.

Music...the most beautiful and universal form of human conversation. The way seasoned musicians listen and play together is special. A drummer will play soft, hard, leave gaps or answer and call with the other musicians to better the musical vibe and facilitate the sound...the reason for playing. Here's my analogy. Imagine a pretty good band that's been playing together for a long time. The music's been kind of going a bit downhill and certain key members have left the group. Then all of a sudden the tambourine player invites a bunch of "his people" whom he met just as well, over to add to the current band session. But these guests can't play for shit, they didn't bring their own instruments so they have to borrow yours, and the whole mob is making so much noise, bastardizing and ruining your treasured instruments and killing whatever groove may have happened in that all too infrequent band night. Pretty much what's going on.

Is there any clause in the family guide to sanity which addresses dis-ownership of members? Or what's the rule about people joining your family and passing some agreed upon initiation to "get into the club"? Do we have a policy in effect that assesses incoming family members brought on through new or old relationships? And if we don't, is there any way of soaking up the crappy DNA puddle that's stinking up the tree house?

Meat has checkpoints it must clear to be deemed “OK” to go out (however ridiculous those checkpoints are). I think there needs to be something in place for humans too. A test! Yes, THE test.

Why is it that we’ve totally let go of the survival of the fittest instinct to the point of allowing idiots to procreate with other idiots? Why can any human, good or bad, make more humans without answering a series of simple questions which could easily determine viability? I mean, we’re trying to get better as a species right? We spay and neuter animals all the time. Why not people? And why not, indeed after failing the simplest of trials. I'm not saying end lives, I'm just trying to cut down on the freak count. Lets not let the silly rabbits make more tricks that we are forced to push irritably through our society's colon of life.

The sub-par sub cultures deserve no name, yet always receive one due to their all too glaring characteristics. Whole lot of people feel like they deserve to be here. And who's to say who's doing more for human kind than the next? Even playing devil's advocate, you can say well, I'm no better than that family smoking glue from a rubber apple in that half rotted double wide over there with the stained Care Bear bed sheet curtains. But the truth is if they weren't there, you'd be working that much harder to not fall under the next highest pathetic line of human decency. And because they are there, that lowers our society's bar to accommodate that culture and not only market products to it, but perpetuate it's crappiness. I'm being vague because I have to.

So getting back to the point...what is this test? What would the test be? There's no chicken and egg thing here. You remove the insufficient rooster's nuts and let him go. "The Test" would occur at puberty and only for males. And if they don't pass, they lose their balls. If they do pass, great they can procreate.

And what would that test be? How about stand there and don't look stupid. That would get rid of about 90% of men right there including myself. In fact I think that's a little rough because nearly every guy looks pretty stupid at some point going through puberty.

OK, so the test would be this: "Look at this animal. It is a sheep." And the guys that get erections, chop their nuts off and burn them. And so on with pictures and questions... "Look at this picture of this little girl." What does it make you think about?" I could likely say in sarcasm, "fleeting innocence" and get my nuts lopped and burned in misinterpretation. But some system like this in place would solve so many problems in the world. Mainly the infestation of scary douche bags. It would be like the crudest of filters. But I'm sure we could stay on the animal pictures and get rid of quite a few potential loser reproducers. Truck loads of unworthy testicles getting sent to the nut oven. Or maybe do away with their penises. Then they're left with just their useless balls hanging there for the sole purpose to be kicked in when they say something stupid again and again. Ideally, lets get rid of the whole kit, because they don't deserve the right to stand and piss, let alone do their part in bringing down the integrity of the human race.

Families are strange things. I love my family, but they are like this small home economics class you're stuck experiencing the aging process with. Some of them you like and love (I'm lucky). But some of them, and you know which ones, you don't quite get along with and you have to sit next to them and work with them in a team environment sometimes to keep your own head above water in the midst of it all, but you'd probably not be friends with them given the choice at the get go. The family hierarchy, the old rules, the new rules... throw it all out the window. If it's not a fit, don't force it. Recognize the good qualities in others and surround yourself with people you find in the world that agree on the virtues that make sense to you. Try and befriend and celebrate with people who challenge you in fun ways to think about different points of view. Congregate with your closest friends and family members in which your chemistry is sound. Life is short. Don't settle for shit. Even if that shit is blood.